Tuesday, May 17, 2016

My worst nightmare- getting drunk

People have told me that we all dream when we sleep. Sometimes I remember my dreams and sometimes I don't. Last night I had some crazy dreams. Not scary, but very interesting as to what I was dreaming about. For example, I was driving around in an old VW Bug with a poodle on a leash that was running in the snow trying to get to church because I was late to preach. Not sure where that came from at all.

There are times I have great dreams where I see my old friends who have passed away.
Other times I'm shredding 3 feet of fresh pow and every run I get fresh tracks.
Other times I'm catching a huge fish. I mean a monster! It's so hard to reel in but always the biggest fish anyone has ever seen.
But most mornings I just wake up, rub my eyes and get out of bed. It was another dreamless night.

There are the few mornings I wake up in shock and brokenness. My heart is racing. Sometimes I'm a little sweaty and confused. I wake up and it takes some time to grasp the difference between dream and the reality I've just entered. The dream, no nightmare, is so real that I think it happened. Its not always the exact same but it always has the same thread.

It goes something like this: I'm hanging out at a party or a bar. No one ever offers me anything to drink, I just have it. I drink it all. Then I drink some more and some more and some more. Sometimes I am drinking or sometimes I am just drunk in the nightmare. I may get in an argument or a fight. When the night is over I have lost it all. My family is gone, my relationship with God is done and my peace is gone. I can never seem to find my family again. I long to see them but can't find them. I have this feeling that I used to live with. It's an empty feeling. A feeling of my own selfishness desires. It's the only way to describe that is why I call it my nightmare.

After fifteen to twenty seconds of being awake I come to my senses, see my wife in bed and know it was another nightmare. The nightmare is a stark reminder of my past. I've been sober for sixteen years now but it seems the pain of my past decisions still haunts me.

I try to think of the positive in the situation. In the end it is a good reminder for me. See I believe there is a spiritual battle out there. The battle is for my soul. The nightmare is a reminder of this battle. In the battle I need to fight against the unwise decisions of my youth and focus on the life change Christ has done in my life. Its a reminder to never let me nightmare be my reality again.

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