16 thoughts on 16 years of marriage

Last week Charity and I celebrated 16 years of marriage. It was a pretty surreal experience. We were able to get a hotel room in the same place we celebrated our honeymoon in San Diego. We stayed at the Hotel del Coronado. Coronado Island has many great memories for us. It’s the first place we celebrated a Valentine’s Day. We would visit the beach there. We loved to walk downtown there.

On the drive to San Diego we talked about some of the highlights and hard times in our marriage. We talked about supporting each other during school, having kids, vacationing, making marriage a priority, and much more. 

When we returned home it prompted me to write this post. I’m not going to expand on each point but if you’d like to talk about them let me know: 

1. Our marriage is stronger because we’ve chosen to seek God first

2. Listen to your spouse 

3. Over-communicate on anything and everything 

4. Make dating your spouse a priority 

5. We’ve chosen to make vacations/adventures a priority 

6. Lots of couples fight over money and it’s not worth fighting over 

7. Life is well spent eating sushi together 

8. If you’re spouse is interested in it, find a way to be interested 

9. Don’t neglect your sex life, make that a high priority 

10. Look for ways to bless your spouse (don’t be selfish) 

11. Find creative ways to surprise your spouse with things he/she will love

12. Take lots of pictures, you will want to look back on them later 

13. Focus on a healthy marriage, not a perfect marriage

14. There are times to listen and times to offer advice 

15. Pray for each other and together; you can never have enough prayer

16. Make sure to tell your wife that she is beautiful every time you think it; she can’t read your mind 

New Call: New City, New Church

Seventeen years ago I made a commitment to God. While sitting in a jail cell late at night I said: "God if you're real get me out of here and I'll do whatever you want." It was a Hail Mary, a last chance effort. Never did I imagine that commitment would involve being a pastor!

For the last almost 5 years I've had the privilege of serving at Central Peninsula Church. In 2012 we moved our family to the Bay Area to follow the call of Christ. It's been a great learning experience that added to the decade of pastoral experience I came here with.

When we moved here I was 32 and had mainly served with students. It was a big step for our family to move here. God has given me the joy of leading a team of leaders to impact our region. CPC has entrusted me to lead a staff team of people. Our Elders have worked with me to hone my preaching style and grow in communicating to adults. For a few years I was able lead the charge for the Global Leadership Summit here. There was a season of serving as our children's champion and helping create consistency on all three of our campuses. Mark invited me to travel with him to Rwanda and Cambodia. In addition to that, I've had the awesome opportunity to lead our Young Adults ministry.

When we moved here our kids had never been to school. Sophie was three and Leah was two. They both had their first day of preschool while living here. They both started Elementary school here. They both learned to ride bikes here. We also added Isaiah to our family. They all started snowboarding in Tahoe while living here. What a gift it's been to live here.

About six months ago my mentor called me and said: "Neal, I know a church in Ventura that would be a great fit for you. They're going to be looking for a new pastor soon." He knew I had been open to a new call on my life. So I began processing with my pastor and elders. I sought wisdom from my mentor and a close group of friends.

After a few interviews with the search team in Ventura they unanimously recommended me to the elders at this church. I met with the elders and they unanimously recommended me to the church. After a weekend visit I was offered the role when the church voted to call me as the Senior Pastor with a 98% affirmation!

A few weeks ago I enthusiastically accepted the call to serve at Coastline Bible Church in Ventura. This is a bittersweet decision. Charity and I are going to miss our Bay Area friends who have become family. But we're thrilled to follow God on this new adventure.

Our heart has always been for God to move us closer to family. In recent months my parents have had some health issues so this is great timing. This move puts us much closer to family and brings us back to our So Cal roots. The role is a Senior Pastor. I've always had a sense that one day God would call me to lead a church (I can share more on this one day). I'm stoked for this opportunity to lead Coastline in this next season.

My role will wrap up here at CPC on June 11. I invite you to come hear my last sermon. Later that day our church is throwing a party to celebrate what God has done here. Our daughters will finish school up here and then we'll move to Ventura.

Keep your eyes out as the next post here I will share three ways you can pray for CPC, the Benson family and Coastline in the upcoming weeks.

Purisma Creek Hike

Over the weekend we took the family on a hike. We love to get outdoors and help the kids have a love for nature. With all the rain we knew this trail would be gorgeous. We didn't know that with all the rain we would see so many banana slugs and fallen trees. We drove over to Purisma Creek and started the hike from Half Moon Bay. I've done the hike from Skyline Drive but found it better to start in Half Moon Bay with the kids.

We don't really hike for that long. We let the kids run around, throw rocks in the water and see how far they can make it. It's great because you see other families, talk with other hikers and get to enjoy all of God's creation. It's also a time for us to enjoy each other. We had lots of laughter (and some tears) on this hike. Watch the video we made to see a glimpse.

5 Places to Stop on The Road to Hana

On our first trip to Maui we heard about the road to Hana. In all honesty I had no desire to drive for 6+ hours to get to a small town on the other side of the island. As we talked with more people the trip kept coming up. Finally, once on the island, we heard a few more people say it's a must do.

With that, I started researching the road and found the best piece of advice on the internet. It said something like: "go as far as you can handle and turn around...". That was what we were looking for!

With that we started planning the drive that would carry us on the road to Hana. The car was packed with three kids, my wife and mom. We took off early. Here are the five stops we made and it was well worth the drive!

Honolulu Coffee in Paia 

This is a great little coffee shop at what I would call the last town you can stop in. The staff is super friendly and great to talk with. We stopped here both ways to get coffee. Charity ordered their most famous drink (just ask what it's called) and she loved it. I grabbed a decaf and it was super good.

Twin Falls

This is a great little walk/hike to take with your family. It's right off the road at Mile Marker 2. The mile markers start and then restart so keep your eyes out early. If you arrive early there is a good parking lot. If you park further away there are warning signs for theirs.

As for the hike, we actually walked a little further than needed. When you park, walk past the school bus on the large trail (you can't miss it). When you see the bamboo on your right make a left. This trail will take this straight to the water fall. You can walk further on the trail and see the top of the falls.

For us, the water fall was only on one side due to lack of rain. Either way it's still beautiful!

Garden of Eden 

We heard about this spot online initially. On the elevator I was talking with some guys and they mentioned it. After looking it up on Yelp I decided we needed to check it out.

Some tips: if you're in a group of five or more there is a discount. We also were able to get all three kids in for free since they are in car seats (booster seats count). Get some quarters at the entrance to feed the peacocks. Watch out for the ducks, they are persistent in wanting food.

Get out of the car and walk around here. There are some super cool trees you can see! Leah liked the Rainbow Eucalyptus tree. I wanted to see the old mango tree. You can also walk to see a waterfall overlook. The views up here were breathtaking!

Small pool to swim in 

We found a small pool to swim in about 3 miles before our last stop. We actually passed it and then came back. I don't know how to explain where it's at. If I said: "It's by the bridge after the corner" it wouldn't help you at all!

We pulled over on the side of the road, parked the car and headed down. It was a small path down to the pool. When we got there there was a few other people. They soon departed and it was just the Benson family. The water was cold (seriously cold), but I jumped in and started swimming. Isaiah wanted to come with and we swam to the other side. Being the great dad I am I encouraged the kids to come in and make some memories!

At the end I bribed them all with chocolate to get this great picture. In reality we had such a good time!

Halfway to Hana 

This is our journey on the road to Hana concluded. While doing some research it made sense to end here. We stopped for a shave ice and to stretch our legs. We ended up connecting with some locals and taking about pig hunting. Once the shave ice was done it was back on the road.

As I think back to our adventure I'm reminded of the creative nature of God. The road to Hana is full of twists and turns. There is beauty in the beach, plants and water. The lush, and untouched, beauty is something g to marvel at. If you take this adventure keep this in the front of your mind. Think about how awesome God is when you stop at these spots, hear the sounds and smell this wonderful place!

Israel 2017- Day Three

Around midnight Charity made it to the hotel! It's great having her with me for the trip now! Its been fun to share with her all our group has already done. It’s also been great seeing the joy on her face at seeing the sights.

Arbel Cliff 

Our first stop today was to the Arbel Cliff. It's a large cliff on the west side of the Sea of Galilee. It over looks the Galilee region and has a great view. Our day is a little hazy so our view wasn't fantastic. I can imagine that on a clear day it would be spectacular!

I’m not sure if you know but I’m afraid of heights. It was a little scary for me being up here. I did walk over to the edge and stand by the railing. It helped me to see the the initial drop isn’t too bad. The natural landscape on top was beautiful. There were rocks and green grass that lined the trial.

At the top I saw some of the men and women who serve in the Israeli army. I have been interested to talk with them and was able to. Every Israeli person serves in the army. The few I spoke with were kind enough to take a picture with me!

Cana

Our next stop was Cana. This is where Jesus' first miracle happened. Many people know it. It's the account in John 2 where He turns water into wine. Some people wonder why this was His first miracle. I’ve never taught the passage but I can say it was very interesting learning more about the miracle while being here.

In this town there are two churches that claim their location is where Jesus preformed the miracle. One is a Catholic Church and the second is a Greek Orthodox Church. They are basically across the street from each other. And I’m not talking a big road, this is a modest one way road in a community. I'm not sure if either location is the right location but it was nice to visit the area.

Nazareth 

Our third stop today was Nazareth. Nazareth is the home town of Jesus. It's not His birthplace but His hometown. During Jesus' time the city was maybe 250-400 people.
Currently the city is approximately 70,000-80,000. We spent our morning at Nazareth Town. It’s a small town that is set up to model what Nazareth most likely looked like in the time of Jesus.

This place is a must see if you are planning to come here. They have olive trees and many branches granted in. We learned about pressing olive oil and how it was made while here (check out the picture of the olive press). They also have livestock. There was a woman who was making thread and then weaving it into a blanket. After our visit we had lunch at the place.

We also visited the church of annunciation. This is where Gabriel came to share the good news with Mary that she would be the mother of Jesus. The building is beautiful and very close the Nazareth Town. We took a quick walk through it and I was impressed by it’s marvel. In all honesty, I was also bummed to see such an ornate church empty and with little room to hold a worship service.

We also saw the church synagogue here. It’s an interesting name because it seems so contradictory. The crusaders built this house of worship where they think the synagogue from Jesus' time period might have been. It can be used for a church or worship service.

The location of this site is where Jesus would have most likely read the words of the prophet Isaiah. The account is found in Luke and a great ready!

Zippori 

This is a historical site we visited that has no Biblical mention. With its proximity to Nazareth, scholars think Jesus may have worked in this area, with Joseph, when he was younger. It would have been a long walk for Jesus but could have been accomplished in a day's time. They could have worked in this area for a few weeks at a time before returning home.

We spent a good amount of time here today examining the ruins, looking at tile floors from 1700 years ago and looking at the synagogue. I really enjoyed being outside, listening to our guide and thinking about this area. Its amazing to see the scope of the archeological site here. Historians think the site is mostly Roman but there is a section that is thought to be Jewish. This is determined by the building and decor. For example, the Romans would have used tile floor with illustrations while the Israelites would have used a simple pattern.

Overall it was another fun day of adventuring! I'm so excited we're one this trip and have this chance to enjoy it here!

Twelve Thoughts on Twelve Years of Marriage

Charity and I have been married for 12 years!
We’ve been married for 144 months.
Another way to say it is 4380 days.
It equals out to 105120 hours of marriage.

A lot can happen in 12 years. We’ve lived in four houses, two cities and worked at five different jobs (combined). We’ve had three children, two dogs, numerous fish, one bird, one mouse, one turtle and a hermit crab. We’ve had eight different cars. I’ve had two different dirt bikes.

I’ve never talked with someone about marriage and heard them say, “Well I hope this one works out.” or “If this marriage doesn’t work out, I’ll try again.” When we went into marriage we knew this was a “to death do us part commitment.”

In our time of marriage we’ve had the privilege of helping other couples prepare for marriage. When I look back on the last twelve years here are twelve thoughts on marriage that I want to pass on to others:

1. Communicate well
I remember one time while Charity and I were doing premarital counseling with a couple. During our conversation one of the people said: "you must fight well."  In a healthy marriage you need to know how to communicate well. Think about timing, tone and what you're going to say.

2. Celebrate often
Charity and I celebrate often. Celebrate your anniversary every year. Celebrate birthdays and be joyful together.

3. Travel with each other
We love to adventure together! Traveling can be stressful but it’s a great way to make memories with your spouse!


4. Go on a regular date
This has been huge for us. When we were first married it was date day; we would take Monday as a whole day with each other. When we had Sophie we moved to date night. Now, we do date morning. It doesn’t matter when you go on a date, the goal is to keep dating your spouse.


5. Serve your spouse
Think of things that would make your spouse excited! Serve them and help him/her out in a special way.

6. Don’t hide your love
Write notes, send text messages and say “I love you” often!


7. Buy your wife flowers
More than just on special occasions. Charity loves flowers! I enjoy getting her flowers, as a surprise, and seeing her face.

8. Let your spouse go on trips that fill them up
Plan ahead, say yes and help them out. Let him/her go on trips that with friends or just a trip that you know will encourage them.


9. Eat dinner together (preferably at the kitchen table)
We do our best to never eat on the couch. And make sure the TV is off.

10. Do life with others
Have other married couples in your life who speak truth to you. Think about how much fun it is when others help you become the best spouse you can be!

11. Have a recreation you enjoy 
This is a place we lack. We keep trying to find something to do together and lately it’s been hiking.


12. Surprise your spouse every now and then 
Surprise him/her in a good way. Bring them treat home, write a cute note or plan a fun date.

What would you add to this list?

Back from my Social Media

Last month I took a break from social media and... it was exactly what I needed.

If you missed the post where I explained what I was doing you can find it here.

My goal in taking the month off was to accomplish three things:
1) Re-center my life on Christ
2) Engage fully with my family
3) Redeem my time spent on social media

As I look back on the time off I can defiantly say I was able to accomplish my goals. I feel like my focus is more fully in Christ than it's been in years. I used some of the time where I may normally be scrolling through a newsfeed to be praying. Instead of being so concerned with sharing pictures I was more focused on sharing Christ. Instead of caring about what was happening in others lives I cared more about what was happening in my kids lives.

One struggle I noticed this summer was I would pull out my phone instead of engaging with my family. I'd come home from work and instead of hanging out with my kids I'd plop on the couch and pull out my phone. Instead of putting my phone in the room and leaving it there to charge, I would check emails and answer text messages.

When I look back on my break I can honestly say this was a great month for me with my kids. Part of the benefit is I didn't have any work related travel so I was able to travel and focus on them. Instead of being concerned about getting the best shot for Instagram I was concerned with being the best dad for my kids. Instead of being focused on getting the right date planned for my wife and sharing the picture on Facebook, I was intentional about being with my life. I feel more engaged with my family then ever!

The final goal really would be the "proof in the pudding". It took a few weeks (almost two to be exact) to think less and less about social media. But once the thoughts had stopped consuming me it became easier to take control of the time God has given me. I didn't have any desire to log-on to social media because I wanted to be present in my current situation.

As I think about re engaging on social media now I have done very little. I posted once on Instagram and twice on Facebook. Twitter is actually my favorite platform but I haven't been on much (I have used tweetdeck to slot posts). I'm sure I will slowly re-engage more and post more often, but right now I'm happy with the balance in my life and where my focus is. I'd prefer to keep it this way because I think I've chosen what is best.

This was by far the best distancing from social media I've done and I think it's because of the plan I started with.

Buy Her Flowers

Starting early on in our relationship I began buying flowers. Its not because I like to buy flowers, but because of what flowers do to her face. When she gets them, she lights up. They always seem to make her smile. When my wife gets flowers it does something for her.

When we were dating there was one occasion that I bought my flowers that still makes me laugh. I was heading down to visit her for a date. I thought, "I'll stop and grab flowers real quick." There was a little stand I could park down the street and grab flowers quickly. I pulled into the spot and totally forgot to feed the meter. I walked down the street and bought some beautiful flowers. As I was walking back to my car I saw the meter maid pulling away. That afternoon the flowers cost me almost $40 instead of the normal $10.

I like to buy flowers for my wife:

- When she needs extra joy in her life
- To show her how much I love her

- When parenting is tough

- I'm more busy at work than normal 

- When its raining outside
- To see a big smile on her face

What I've learned about buying flowers is to not use them as a "make up" tool. I like to buy my wife flowers as something special, a special token of joy in her life. 

For my wife, Orange is always the best color for a flower. Knowing her favorite color is orange helps me to always make the right choice (Yes, even on Valentines Day). 

If you've forgotten to buy your wife flowers in a while, today is a great day to start! 

11 Years of Marriage

On January 7, 2005 I married my best friend!

We met as interns at Eastlake Church in South San Diego
I asked her to marry me on the beach in Carlsbad
We got married in Encinitas
Two days later we immediately moved to Vegas to serve at South Hills
We had two kids
Moved to San Mateo to serve at CPC
Just had another kid
And celebrated 11 years of marriage!

When I look back on our lives there are too many thoughts to write down here but here are a few I'd like to share.

We've traveled

I was trying to do the math on how much we've been blessed to be able to travel together. Here is what I came up with so far:
We've visited 6 different countries (Mexico, Canada, Burkina Faso, Italy, Jamaica, The Bahamas)
Set foot on three continents together (North America, Europe and Africa)
Traveled to 12 states (California, Nevada, Utah, Arizona, Oregon, Washington, Florida, New York, Atlanta, Pennsylvania, New Jersey and Hawaii)

And this year we  celebrated our anniversary in beautiful Half Moon Bay, CA. We stayed at Oceano hotel and had dinner at Flavor. It was a great time to hang out, chat and enjoy our marriage. We took some time to look back on life and thank God for all we've been able to do together.

We've laughed
One of the things we've done most together is to laugh. Sure we have our times where we disagree on things but we'd rather laugh together. Sometimes we laugh at each other for silly things we've done. Sometimes we laugh at movies. Sometimes we laugh at the crazy things our kids say or the silly decisions we've made but we sure do laugh a lot and that has kept us in good spirits!

We've multiplied
We were reminded of this fact again this year because we brought our little Isaiah with us on the trip. For the most part he did really well and is the best third wheel ever. We have been very blessed to have children in our youth. We have friends who have struggled with pregnancy and experienced infertility. We are so thankful for the children God has given us!

Thanks for all the fun times Charity! Looking forward to many more.

Parenting "Don'ts" /// Part One

I figured it was about time to start sharing some parenting "Do's" and some parenting "Don'ts".  Since I think the "don't" list is going to be longer I'm going to start out with that!

The other day I was searching on Youtube to watch movie's with my kids.  Some how I saw this trailer for Iron Man 3 and thought it would be a good idea to watch with my little girls sitting next to me

After my wife came out and pretty much gave me the death look I realized I botched it!  I mean really, lets be honest here.  What kind of dad lets his 3 year old and 4 1/2 year old daughter sit on his lap watching a video clip with a crazy robot man, a plane that is crashing, helicopters shooting a house to bits, people sinking in the ocean and fire all over.  I have no clue what I was thinking but I can tell you I won't do it again.

I now realize how precious my little girls are (more than I did before) and that God didn't create their minds with the ability to handle things my mind can handle.  Little girls; I am so sorry for letting you watch this when you are so young, please forgive me! 

LoveWorks Weekend

I don't know of many churches that are purposefully locking their doors on Sunday morning... to be honest it seems pretty crazy to do something like that right?  I mean for most churches Sunday is the BIG day of the week; its the only day that pastors work so why would someone close a church?

This weekend our church closed the doors and locked them.  We locked the doors of all three of our campus'.

Now before you think we are totally crazy let me tell you why.  For the last number of months a core team of people have been planning an weekend of service called LoveWorks.  I'm pretty sure that we sent over 1500 people into our community to just be the hands and feet of Jesus.

Let me clarify real quick.  We didn't do this to go and recruit more people to our church.  We didn't do it to proselytize the sinners.  We did it because we want to show people that the church is good.  We did it because there are needs in our community.  We did it because we have some rad people who care more about others than their personal time.

Moving to a more personal note I lead a project where we took gift baskets to local Police and Fire Stations.  It was so rad going to Trader Joe's to shop with my kids for the Firemen; they loved picking out items for the gift baskets.

On Saturday afternoon we started baking some yummy treats to put in the baskets for our First Responders

Then on Sunday morning, instead of going to church, 30+ people came to our house to assemble to the baskets for these heroes!

Finally we broke into 4 teams and headed off to one Police Station and seven Fire Stations to deliver the goods!

I wish I could describe what a blessing it was to serve with my family this weekend... but I can't or I may start crying.

What we've tried to do to make it work

Friday night Charity and I had a really cool opportunity.  Our church has a ministry for young married couples.  There is no worship team, no formal greeters, no offering plates being passed and no sermon is preached.  For a few months we have been trying to go but it hasn't worked out until now.

See on Friday night we were planning to just go and be a couple who gets to know some people at our church.  A few days before our pastor asked us if we could share for 15 minutes about our married life. After praying about it we decided to do it!  Here is one of the things I shared that night.

Make My Wife Feel Chosen
Over the years I have neglected Charity in many ways.  I'm not trying to say I am a bad husband but that I need help being a husband.  In the last couple years I have been learning to help Charity feel chosen in our relationship and there are three ways I have been doing this.

The first I do is tell Charity she is beautiful.  I think this many times, in my head, and fail to tell Charity.  I constantly see my wife and think "WOW you are hot!" but I forget to tell her.  I may think "that new shirt looks nice on you" but I fail to say it out loud.  Now when I think those thoughts I just vocalize them.

Something I have been working on, in my life, is being present.  When Charity is around I need to focus on being present with her.  I can so easily get distracted with: TV, my phone, computer and the Wii.  I need to be remember to be present and fight to keep my attention on her so she feels chosen in our marriage.

For most of our marriage I was working on my master's degree.  That meant there were many nights I had to read a book, write a paper or book travel.  When our anniversary would come up Charity would kindly ask me if I wanted to plan it.  I usually took that to mean she was willing to plan it so I let her (bad idea).  This year I planned out our anniversary and it was so good.  I could see how that made Charity feel chosen when I made all the plans, figured out the financial cost and took care of the details.

Note: I didn't have a manuscript when I spoke about this; there were a few things I wrote on a piece of paper but I realize that my marriage is so much better when Charity feels chosen! 

Date Night: Joy Sushi

When Charity and I were dating I took her to sushi for her first time ever...

I had this amazing date planned where we would go to my favorite (most expensive) sushi place.  I saved up so we could go there.  I made sure we went at just the right time to miss the crowd.  I ordered all my favorite rolls for her to try.  She took one bite and literally spit it out.  

That was tough to deal with.

Now that we have been married for almost eight years Charity has learned to find a few items on the Sushi menu that she enjoys and we have had some great dates!  In San Mateo we just tried a new sushi spot for date night last week.  The place is called "Joy Sushi" and its in downtown San Mateo (about 10 minutes from our house).

Charity normally doesn't like to eat sushi for date night but since I was preaching for Christmas Eve she made an exception.  The place was pretty good; its not our favorite but its good.  We had been wanting to try it and my dad gave us a restaurants.com gift certificate to try it out!  I give the place credit for having a hilarious logo on their menu.  I think we will go back again to have some more!

Huge thanks to my wife for being adventurous. Big thanks to my dad for hooking it up!

Operation Christmas Child

Our church is doing something super cool this year and my family is jumping on the ship to help out (Now I know this isn't the first time our church has done this but it is the first time my family has)!  We are partnering with Operation Christmas Child to help get presents to underprivileged children in other countries.  Now Operation Christmas Child (OCC) is going to use the shoebox that we filled with presents as a way to present the Gospel to these children; this excites our family!  

One thing that Charity and I have committed to is helping our daughters understand the need to help.  We are in a place in life where we can help others and the focus doesn't always need to be on self.  To help with that, this year, we decided to let the girls fill the shoe boxes for OCC.  Charity and Leah went to the store and bought the suggested items for the boxes one morning.  Later that night we took the time, as a family, to pray for the children who will receive the boxes and then fill them.

We let the girls pick the items that would go in the individual boxes so they got to feel more ownership over the process.  They had a great time picking out the toys, hygiene items, markers, and socks that we put in the boxes.  We asked them if they would like to write a personal card for the girls and they choose not to but they did want to color them a picture and put it in the box.  One thing that we chose to do was pay for shipping online so that we can track the boxes!  Our girls are super excited about this and we are really stoked to see how God is shaping their hearts with compassion. 

Leah posing with her filled box

Dating Your Wife

Note to the reader: I am by no means an expert on this topic.  I have had my fair share of failures in planning dates for my wife and more times than not my selfishness has reared its ugly head in our dates.   The words that follow are from my heart and hopefully can serve as a reminder of the importance in continuing to date your wife.

When I look back on how Charity and I fell in love there are times I wish we could return to those days.  We have frequently talked about how nice it was being interns, with little responsibility, and no significant bills in our lives.  We would work, leave and have the rest of the days to ourselves.  When we officially started courting (dating) we had San Diego Zoo passes and Disneyland passes.  We lived in San Diego and could go to the beach as we desired.  We knew all the places to eat, when to visit the zoo and even went to Disneyland at least once a month.

Fast forward our lives almost ten years since we met and things are much different.  We have two young girls, almost eight years of marriage under our belts, I started (and finished) seminary and recently moved to a new city.  One thing we have done our best at is fighting for a date on a weekly basis.  Pretty much every week this looks different but here are some things to consider as you date your wife:

Make Dating Your Wife A Regular Occurrence
Many times in life I have heard the line: "Fake it until you make it".  This line can be applied to dating your wife.  You may not totally understand what it looks like because life (kids, ministry, job, church, family, pets) have overcome you.  The first time you do this it may feel awkward; fight that and press on.  One thing that Charity and I do our best at is having a regular, weekly, date with each other.

Be Creative

We don't live in San Diego anymore.  We don't have Disneyland passes.  We don't have San Diego Zoo passes.  The beach is close but its cold up here.  This means that I have to think of new ways to date my wife. This may mean that I bring her flowers at random times in the month.  It could be leaving a love note for her on the kitchen counter.  There are many new ideas that you can do when you date your wife but it requires some time to think and research what she would enjoy.  We have done random things like: Monster Trucks, Mixed Martial Arts, Hiking and Feeding the Ducks.  Don't think of the date as an occurrence but as a constant way of life.

Fight For The Time
This is a big deal for us.  We have to fight for the time to have a regular date.  There are always going to be things that want to steal that time away from you: soccer games, Monday Night Football, a ministry event, a sick kid, and the list goes on.  When we sit down and do our weekly calendar we are intentional to slot out some time for a date. This may mean we have to get creative but we find the time.

Keep Learning
I actually have a tag for date night that has a whopping three posts, now four, under it.  I am not trying to say that I am the best person at this.  There are weeks that I forget to talk about our weekly date and Charity kindly reminds me.  Don't stop!  Keep learning what this means and what God wants from you as you lead your home and date your wife.

Made for Relationship

I have always thought that people are made for relationship.  I read the Bible and see it clearly laid out; to be honest you can't get past the first couple pages until you see how Adam was lonely without Eve.  I truly believe that we are all made for relationships so I figured I would share my heart some and let you know four relationships that look forward to in my life:

MY WIFE
My wife is the second best thing to ever happen to me (the first being giving my life to Christ).  I love the conversations that Charity and I have.  I love that I know my wife prays for me on a daily basis.  I love that our relationship is ever progressing.  I love that I have a partner to do life with and someone to come home to when I have good days and bad days.  Now is our marriage perfect?  By no means!  We have our tough times and we have our conflicts but we have chosen to press ahead to grow in our relationship.

MY KIDS
This has been an ever changing relationship in my life.  I will never forget the day that I met both of my beautiful little girls and how much they have changed me.  See as my children grow up I have to constantly be on my toes in this relationship.  I have gone from being scared to changing diapers to knowing how to make it happen.  I went from never really holding a child to playing My Little Ponies pretty much every day after work; and sometimes before work.  This relationship has shaped my life in so many different ways!

MY ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNER
Not only do I love coffee but I love hanging out with my accountability partner.  I love that I have a guy in my life that I can share life with and be completely honest.  We need weekly (most of the times) to share life.  We talk about what God is doing in our lives, the newest apps we have on our iPhones, how are kids are doing, how we are treating our wives, when our next fishing trip will be, what we are reading in our Bible and pray.  The deal is whoever shows up last has to buy which sucks for me who is always late but the relationship is so valuable that I would pay every week!

MY LIFE GROUP

Something that has been cool for me, in the last couple months, is seeing people get connected in relationship at our church.  Most of you know that I recently took a new leadership role at South Hills and this position has STRETCHED me in some crazy ways.  Charity and I have a Life Group that we meet with on a weekly basis.  We are reading "Love & Respect" and this book has been great for my relationship with Charity.  And by great I mean it has shown me how much I fail as a husband and how much room I have to improve.

What are some key relationships in your life and what makes you excited about them?

Seven Years of Marriage

This Saturday was my seven year wedding anniversary.  Now I am not going to even pretend that this blog post contains the secrets of marriage but I just want to share some lessons I have learned.  This time Charity and I shared our anniversary up at Mount Charleston which is about 45 minutes from our house.  We had a sweet deal and were able to get away (thanks to Charity's mom) and just spend some time with each other.

On our way home we stopped at Maggiano's for lunch and some more time to talk.  It was crazy not having our little girls around us for over 24 hours but it was also great to spend some time with just my wife.  I get away for work and seminary quite frequently but this was a huge blessing being with Charity.

As I reflect on the last seven years of my life here are some thoughts:

I AM A BETTER MAN BECAUSE OF MY WIFE
Charity makes me want to be a better man.  I come from a rough past and I think there are many times that I would revert to those ways if it weren't for Charity in my life.  Charity is sweet, Charity is caring, Charity is understanding and Charity supports me in life.  Charity brings out the best in me. For those of you who are not married look for someone that brings out the best in your life.

I HAVE A SUPPORTIVE WIFE
I know most people think that we pastors really only work one day a week but that is not true.  Being a pastor means being on call... all the time.  Over the years we have created some systems in our life to buffer the craziness but that there are still times I head to the hospital on my day off.  See what many people don't know is that in four months I will graduate with my Masters in Divinity.  The M.Div program is much more intense than your normal Masters Degree.  I will have put over six years into this 84 unit degree.  I would not have been able to (almost) accomplish this task without the help of my wife and how supportive she is.

LIFE CHANGES OVER TIME
I am sure that this doesn't come as a shocker to anyone but many times we fail to examine life.  Charity and I took some time to reflect on our lives over the last couple of years and oh how life has changed.  We had some good talks about how much fun we had in San Diego when we met; going to the zoo and hanging out at the beach but life has changed.  I have more responsibilities now in my role at church and that means less time having fun.  Although we have experienced much change over the last seven years I know that I always want to be married to this woman and live out those changes with her.

Sherlock Holmes- A Game of Shadows

On Saturday Charity and I went to see the new Sherlock Holmes movie; A Game of Shadows.  We both totally loved the first one so when the second one came out there was no question if we would see it or not.  Now I am not a movie review kind of person but I did want to share some thoughts about the movie with you.   I am not going to give anything away about the plot of the movie so don't worry about protecting your eyes as you read this.

First of all I love the movie!  I love the action in the movie.  It is a movie that keeps you thinking.  If you saw the first Sherlock Holmes then you know what I am talking about.  Every little detail in the movie seems to come back and play into the whole of the movie later on.  I love how creative the writers of the movie are (I am not sure who they are but the did good on this one).  The attention to detail in these movies has always impressed me as someone who likes to think about what is going to happen next.

Now I have to admit there are some behaviors in the movie that I would consider questionable.  Doctor Watson is portrayed as a drunk who can barely stand on the way to his wedding and he also has a pretty intense gambling problem.  There is one point where Sherlock Holmes disguises himself as a female to help save his friend.  I didn't sense there was a drag theme at all but that Sherlock was considering the best way to help his friend out.

Finally the best part about the movie was that I was able to see it with my wife on our date day.  We love to create a time, each week, where we just spend time with each other.  The movie is not the ideal place for this but this time we had to make it happen.  See Charity and I have committed to never stop dating each other and times like this allow me to hold my wife's hand, eat popcorn with her, laugh with her and talk about the movie afterward.

Marriage

We live in a culture where marriage is something that is disposable.

This week I had two encounters that are sparking this post to come alive but before I touch on those I want to share about my marriage.  In just over a week Charity and I will celebrate our six year anniversary.  Now I know that we don't have 50 years of marriage under our belts but I am good enough at math to know that you have to hit year six before you hit year fifty in marriage.

See our wedding didn't happen at all the way we planned we it.  For starters we bumped our wedding date up by almost six months because we felt that God was calling us to Vegas and didn't want to be apart that long.  Then on our wedding day it rained cats and dogs (not real cats and dogs, but a lot of rain) and we had to do a last minute location change from the beach to the convention center in Encinitas, CA.  The truth is we were bummed but we learned a quick lesson that night: it is about the marriage and not the wedding.

See the wedding is a one day event that we pour so much time and energy into but many couples fail to invest in their marriage.  If we could just switch the time and energy we place into those events I think we could see dramatically better results in marriage. 

Ok, so the wedding got rained out but we still had the honeymoon ahead of us.  Now since we moved the wedding up, we had to wait six months to go on the our honeymoon.  It was worth the wait.  We did Jamaica in the summer and you may know what that means; yep, Hurricane Season.  We had a hurricane pass to the North of the Island while we were there, but that didn't steal our joy.  We were a young couple in love, spending the days on the beach, eating free food, and drinking all the virgin pina colado's we wanted!

Then like most couples we had a kid, and she went to the NICU which was torture to us... literally.  We left the hospital without our daughter because she had to stay there.  We made it through that and grew stronger.  We trusted in God, confided in each other and shared our fears.  We cried together, prayed together, and called on our friends to help us through that time.  When it was time for our second daughter to be born we were scared.  Would this be the same as when Sophie was born?  Well it was the opposite!  Leah was born with no complications and a healthy little girl. 

Now I think I have the best family in the world but I still live in a culture that doesn't honor marriage or commitment.  You may wonder where I am getting that statement from.  This week I took my wife out for a date.  At our favorite Sushi restaurant we both have chopsticks that are just ours (its pretty cool to ask for them).  When I told the waiter that Charity and I both had the same last name he looked at me and said "Oh, you two are married?"  I was taken back but I get that living out in Vegas (and my wife is hot so people don't think she would marry a guy like me).

Then I was talking on the phone with an airline company and booking some tickets.  I was asking if I need to give them Leah's name as a lap baby and the lady on the phone told me I did.  She asked what we last name was; she was curious if Sophie and Leah had the same last name.  I was in shock.  I was just taken back again.  Now I know this happens all the time but what if it didn't? 

What if there was something inside humans that didn't leave each other?  I know that there are some marriages where a spouse is abusive and some leave for safety sake but what about the other situations?  Maybe I just wish that people would stick it out a bit more.  See we have hit hard times but the hard times have made the good times that much better and especially with each other.  I hope that our marriage lasts not only another six years but another sixty years.  I want to spend the rest of my life with Charity and I'm going to leave the office right now, grab some flowers and just let her know that I still love her!

Build-a-bear

Before I was married I passed this store in the mail and thought: "Really? People do that?" Yes they do build their own bear and that is exactly what Sophie and I did (thanks for taking the pics wifey!)

So we got to the store and Sophie picked out the first bear she saw (I helped her choose)













Then after you choose your bear you get to fill it up: Sophie hated letting that bear go!













After that you pick out a heart to put in the bear: Sophie decided to throw it on the ground to make sure it was tough













Then we had a Teddy Bear













After that we named our bear; and Sophie wanted to call him "Teddy No No". Not to sure how that worked out but she stills looks for him when I call him "Teddy No No" and she loves that bear we made!